Mini-me

I've become quite removed from myself, OR I have changed drastically. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle. Mmm.

2 plus years since I've blogged here! My Lara will be 2 mid-September, and she's growing at a rate that is a lot faster than I am comfy with. I do not understand parents who push their typically-abled kids to advance quicker and quicker. They're only little for a while before they get to (yay) join the mad rush aka survival.

Meanwhile, the memory of the very first time I saw Lara, the one with my gynea holding my baby crying so beautifully up over the blue cotton screen shielding me from the cutting action, is slowly fading. It's gotten me a little depressed; whenever I push my mind to recollect, it desperately tries to replace her image with another newborn covered in blood with the cord attached, just so there is an image to the memory. Shocking to see how the mind can be such an imbecile sometimes. I try not to work on that memory so as to not mess it up further...until perhaps I learn of a method to remember better.

Anyway. It's actually already possible to have an argument with her where you both know what each other mean (unless ofcos, you're one of those assholes who say 'devour' to a toddler instead of 'eat'). I'll very readily admit that my happiness now depends on her happiness, full stop. Yes, le husband's and le folks' satisfaction matter too but she's got veto power, the tiny human.

Taking constant stock of diapers, milk, gerber puffs, yoghurt melties, fresh fruit, yakult/ juices, fine dark chocolate, new books, bread, eggs and home made frozen meals is very very easy to do. They're running out? Immediately order/ make more, and while we're at it get some shit for the grown-ups too. Baby just made #2? Wash it off thoroughly. She just said 'apple'? Praise her like crazy and kiss her till she manages to wriggle away to play more. Bed time's coming and she's still parkouring? Catch her, hug and get her sleepy time routine going, followed by being stuck to her via my boob, with her leg thrown around my waist. I'm a pretty organised mum, if you could please not look inside the cupboards or toy chests, and I can safely say I am her favourite person for comfort needs (major knock on wood) even though I work full-time.

You know what's missing? The never-leave-your-side part of being a mother. I am thankful for the means to earn so that my family and I can afford nutrition, sanitary living, medical necessities, etc. and have a little extra to spare. It does not stop me from feeling that I am cheating my child of the secure, blemish-free childhood she deserves. My mother did not go to work after getting married, and my sisters and I had the luxury of having her with us 24/7; the one-stop answer to everything we needed and did not know we needed. What I remember most of my childhood, is my mother's smiling face. It's a sickeningly sweet thing to say, I know, but it is true; she smiled a lot, and each smile was a blessing to me. Lara is in her care when I'm at work, so now it's her turn!

I wonder what Lara would remember of me. I hope it is the good things, like how I am silly with her, silly for her, dance with her, smile with her, make sure she has easy access to my breasts throughout the night. I would hate for her to vividly remember that I was around only after dark most of the week. Or the three nights where I got home after she slept, and she had cried up a storm beforehand.

Hope she understands that my choice to work is directly related to our comfort and that it was all for her. And that when/if she becomes a mum, she does not have to work out of necessity and experience heartbreak everyday. Ridiculously, it does not get easier when you are meant to be inseparable.

On 21st June, Lara gave us a bit of a scare!
Nothing absolutely terrible; she just wasn't moving around and poking about as much as she usually does. This got me all worried. What's stopping her?

It was her 3rd day of reduced movement (down to about maybe 10 times a day), and I decided a visit to the hospital was in order to keep any sanity that's left. There, she showed me just how naughty she is.

Once this heart rate monitor got strapped on her, she kicked at it like mad! She went crazy on that thing and I just could not stop laughing (the nurses might have gotten a bit nervous). Her heartbeat was beautiful tho very racehorse-like, and I recorded it. The parts where she kicked the monitor are very clear; they sound like someone tapping a microphone, and sometimes very angrily so haha. Probably us disturbing her 3-day laze must have riled her up!

This whole experience plus a visual scan (she was kicking at the detector this time) and peace of mind cost the husband and I SGD332. I almost blacked out when the hospital cashier told me this but managed to keep going by thinking about how much I need to bitch about government hospital charges to the family. How do people who make less than we do afford it? Do the ladies stay home and cross their fingers each time something worrisome happens? Looks like money can buy peace (of mind)!

Not long more now; been 27.5 weeks with you so far. :)

It started out a not-so-good day.

Was walking at a quickened pace to the bus stop in the morning, and tripped and fell pretty hard!! Bleeding knees (now I officially own ripped jeans) and palms, and a slightly bruised bottom lip, but thank god, the bump didn't get into contact with anything, as I landed on all fours. It's still so scary though! What if i had fallen completely flat on my tum? Knock on wood. She's in an amniotic sac and is protected and all, but still.

Been so so clumsy and butter-fingered lately. It's apparently a thing, just like pregnancy brain. Caused by the growing baby throwing the mom off balance, due to shifting of centre of gravity, a hormone called relaxin getting released to relax her joints and stuff backfire by making it difficult to grasp things sometimes, and of course, sheer exhaustion! I also get 3-second bouts of complete giddiness where i feel like I'm going to black out. Just 3 seconds max and I'm back to normal! And it always happens while I'm seated down, thank god.

It's comical sometimes, tho. At times I drop my keys 3 times in a row before managing to hold on to them and open the damned door!

I'll still miss being pregnant, though. It might just be my only time...who knows.

Just felt a kick. It's like a secret only you and I share. :)

Beer smells good these days :( So does whiskey. Maybe baby likes alcohol? Obviously I'm not giving in!

I wish I'd start showing a lot more already, just so that kind ppl would offer me their seats in the train. The tum rarely gets glanced at (guess it's cos lotsa ladies have naturally big tummies) and when someone does notice it, they stare, probably unsure if I'm pregnant or just need to workout more. Obviously, they wouldn't wanna offer me a seat and insult me if I was just fat haha. But god, standing in the train makes the back and legs go sore! How women of yesteryears produced like 13 kids in one lifetime, I will never know, nor understand.

Scan on Monday showed girly parts on baby :D But, doctor said he can only confirm next month, in case there's a teeny penis that's still growing. We saw 2 obvious lines tho.

My little Lara. :)

Moooo I've started lactating!!

Just a tiny bit of clear liquid and only on one side, but this is exciting as hell! Probably the excitement will stop when it first shows on my clothes when I am out. Definitely time to stock up on bra pads. My already enlargened boobs might now start hitting people by accident.

Today, I am wearing a stretchy tank top. Something this tight for the first time in 3 months. I look less like I had lots of big lunches and a lot more like a baby is due in some months. Feels good, seeing that the little fluff ball is growing bigger and bigger like a good little boy/girl!

See you in 5 months, baby!!

It's lunch time and I'm locked out of the office cos I forgot to bring my access card with me to the loo. My sandwiches and cranberry juice await my arrival at my desk. Baby brain is not a myth; everyone forgets their access card from time to time but it's never been me (till now!!)! I make a conscious effort to remember, being the only support staff to 4 lawyers.

So...11 weeks now. My tummy began to look more rounded at around 8 weeks. Can't wait to get bigger so that I can wear clothes that show it off. Right now I stick to loose clothing cos I'd otherwise look like a starch-lover (which actually does describe me well).

The first trimester hasn't been the best, tho I know lots of women have it much much worse. I am lucky enough to have never thrown up; it always stopped at nausea, which eased up properly around 9 weeks. It does come back some days, but never lasts more than a few hours.

What really hit me hard was fatigue. MY GOD, it was seriously shit. Everyday was a huge struggle. It's kind of like the lethargy and tiredness you feel when you're having a bad cold + fever. It's also a bit like constantly wading through water. It was really tough getting to work, staying at work and going home. And when finally home, I had to lie down a while to summon energy to eat dinner. Spent a fortune on taxis (I still owe our joint account $$ :(   ) It took me by storm at 8 weeks and is right now finally easing up. I take the train to work again! And my appetite is slowly coming back, which pleases the husband to no end.

Check-up on Monday. Will have 1 more image of the little bean in my wallet!!

Him : "It's almost end of February. Then it's March! Which means...?"
Me: "2nd trimester?"
Him: *short pause* "Yeah!"
Me: "I know that's not what you meant."
Him: "Batman vs Superman."

MEN!!

Okay, I succumbed!

Around 4am my lower abdomen area started cramping like crazy. It wasn't the usual mild peekaboo sort of cramps; they were the full on 'your period is here, DIE' sort. In truth, this did happen 2 weeks ago, but the pain lasted 2 minutes at a time.

I started making weird noise which woke the husband up. He obviously didn't know what to do (he was so sad about it too!), and put his arms around me and gave me a little kiss on the neck which actually did help. :) 15 minutes later, I'm heaving a sigh of semi-relief. Is baby still there?

So I got a pregnancy test today. So much for 'my body is not a machine'.

All good still! I know that hcg stays in the body a while even if it wasn't pregnant, but I really needed this test. It's kind of the only way I can get a 'response' from baby...sort of. Yes, I'm a batshit crazy to think my baby communicates to me via my pee, but it's all I got for now!

Have to stop this.

Ultrasound coming Monday! 

I'm now approximately 7.5 weeks pregnant, and it's been 21 days since I knew (counting the number of empty shells on folic acid pill strips). In the first week, I took 5 pregnancy tests. Not to make sure I really was pregnant, but to check if baby was still there. This desperate fear wasn't even because of scary discharge or anything! I was this crazy bitch loading up sticks to pee on.

Baby symptoms so far:

- nausea
- backache
- mostly mild, impersistent abdominal cramps
- small bits of white liquid discharge
- tender, sore boobs (a night of uninterrupted sleep is now impossible)
- constant fatigue
- loss of appetite due to nausea
- food aversion (to dishes with lots of different spices, chicken breasts and lately, red meat)

Yesterday, I felt a bit less nauseous and tired than usual, and that sent me spiraling down down down.

There is a good reason people say you shouldn't Google questions pertaining to your health, unless you prefer assuming death is near. I poured over forums and sites in a mix of dismay, relief and hope, waiting to be put at ease, while not really expecting it. I was surprised to find it.

'Your body is not a manufactured and calibrated machine.'

And that was all I needed. My body is not a machine. It is a human body which is now 2 people, and it's very busy doing multiple tasks to accomodate baby's needs. I should give it a break, and empty my mind of unnecessary shit. For all you know, baby tuts at me each time I panic.

So here I am, still worried a.f. but alot more positive. It also helps to picture baby in my arms after delivery; eyes on the prize.